Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Why the Journey?

I could deny the symptoms no longer and made the appointment. Up until the last few months I had not been sick for ten years or more. But something had happened to compromise my immune system and the consequences were sobering.

I would be 64 soon, my mother had died with breast cancer at my age. In fact all of my immediate family had died near my age or earlier. The possibility of my following suit was a major medical reality.

So I did all the test...scans...x-rays...lab work and thank God all came back fact I was told because of my lifestyle choices (vegetarian...non smoking...outdoor enthusiast) I have the body of a woman twenty years younger. Really good news except that this twenty-years-younger body was wracked with pain, had re-occurring breathing problems, and was in a state of chronic exhaustion.

My doctor, who happens to be younger than my youngest child, looked at me and said, "Stress."
I could feel my body tensing up in denial. "Stress!! Stress? Who me? Why I wrote a book about Searching for Peace and finding it! Stress? Ridicules! What does 'that child' know?"

After doing some research on stress I was a bit more humble. I discovered that 'that child', with her freshly minted medical degree, was one smart cookie. Every symptom I had could be a textbook study on the repercussions of stress and I came to know if I didn't change something much worse could happen.

Basically I discovered 'stress' is not so much what happens to you it is how you respond to what happens to you. Eventually I was led to write down every potentially stressful thing that had happened to me in the last year. The list was an eye the end of 2008 on Christmas Day my brother, and only sibling, was found dead. He was 59 years old. New Years Day 2009 I was in Tennessee making arrangements for his memorial service and cremation. In February I was back in TN being made executor of his estate and trying to decide what to do with his property. In all I made eight long distance exhausting trips in 2009. On the home front some of my children had serious marriage problems and one daughter ended up in a homeless shelter overnight with her five kids. The year progressed and the list went on and on and on.

Toward the end of the year I had to put my cat to sleep. That day I hit a wall. I am not an overly emotional person. I can be stoic, calm in crisis, peaceful. I actually have faith and people call me when they are troubled. But when I realized I was going to loose that little stray I had a major melt down in the vets office. My heart broke. I sobbed as if I were dying.

Doubled over in pain I wept for the death of my sweet Mi Amor. He was a scrappy little cat with an attitude but I loved him and he loved me. Tears rained down my face falling on the soft fur of my dying cat. My whole body shook. I seemed to be weeping for every tragedy that has ever taken place across the earth since the beginning of time. I wept for Haiti, hungry children, lonely women, and troubled men. I wept for my mother, my brother, my children, the lost years of my own life when I had tried to please other people and lost myself in the process. I wept for the death of my own soul. Soon after that the physical symptoms began.

The plan for The Journey in Black & White came as sort of a spiritual challenge...perhaps from God, but for sure from myself. If I was going to live and not die something had to change. I would set apart a year between my 64th birthday and my 65th and discover who I really was and what part of how I lived my life was the real me? For as long as I can remember I had been embracing life for others, doing whatever it took to make every bodies everything work...this year is mine.

During this year I want to connect more to the solitude deep in my spirit where God lives. I want to find my lost childhood and see God, and the world, through un-wounded eyes. I want to have fun. Actually I want to find out what fun is! Not just what others think fun is but what is fun to me? I want to be Wanda, who ever she might be. I want to regain my health. I want to take full responsibility for my own happiness. I want to know who made the rules for my life and why do I keep them? I want to be kinder. Love purely. I want to know the black & white truth about myself and why I try to fix things and people. I want to re-examine my life and find a depth, a significance, a beauty that I may not have noticed before. In essence I want to live the next year as if it were my last.

I intend to travel light without a lot of preconceived ideas of how this year will play out. As a writer I did gather some tools of my trade to take on my Journey...five composition books, a thick journal, black inked gel pens, my Bible. Being obsessively into details...they are all black & white. There they are spread out on my table in the picture above. As I fill them I will share their contents here on this blog. April 30th is my birthday and my journey will begin.

I hope you will journey with me...comment and give feedback on each post...share your own journey to your truth.

Wanda G


  1. I'm so excited to start reading your journey! Maybe I can apply some of this to my own life.

  2. I'm looking forward to reading your B&W Journal. Happy birthday (a little early)!

  3. I'm coming for the ride...want to be on this journey with you....Nikki

  4. I can't wait to see where this takes us all Wanda together. Yes, this will be fun!

  5. I can't wait to read all these too! I'm starting a little late but that's ok! :)

  6. Thank you for inviting me to join on this journey, I'm finding it very interesting.

    I have the perfect book recommendation for you, if you haven't already read it. The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis. Brilliant philosophies and very easy to apply to everyday life. Take care :)

  7. Thanks Nikki and Lily! I love recieving feedback and suggestions from the younger generation! You guys rock. Lily I will read the CS Lewis book...I LOVE his writings. THANKS!

  8. Basically I discovered 'stress' is not so much what happens to you it is how you respond to what happens to you. I love this Wanda.. and I love the whole paragraph how you describe in detail how you want to know what fun for YOU...

    I believe we can love better when we go here.. and I know that is the ultimate goal! Thank you a billion for sharing YOU... and YOU are truly magnificent! :)

  9. What an awesome way to meet you Wanda. Via these cyber waves, cyber friends, the love for life (in all its blacks, whites, grays, colors), and love for writing.

    Reading your side bar and a couple of your blog entries brought tears (of gratitude and empathy) to my heart and eyes. A beautiful journey... *gulp*

    Don't the Beatles have a song "when i'm 64?"

    To the journey!
    ~carol welch

  10. I like your site ... trying to figure out how to have it sent to my email.
    I am a grandma of 6 age 55 and married 36 years to my high school sweetheart.

  11. Thank you for reminding me and yes, As you, I been to almost all the same stories as you, It truly amazes me, how much this all sounds like my story. Pheww!!! But over all, its how you said, to take the year and find you..Thats my venture, it has to be, because if not, well we all do know about the stress, and yes we do it to our selfs,and I am trying really hard, not to go down that road..I need to stay foucsed and have that know that saying, no one stands with you, stand alone?...Well Wanda you can see, I am emotional, just like you at the vets (smiles) but you made it and I am going to make it..I love this story, I fully understand it even to the part of your daughter, which is were my daughter stands right phewww to all of this and thank you for being there..And I am and will continue to read and write..Love ya Wanda, thank you for bareing with me =)..Ps and thank you for understanding also with my dog (my house seems really empty with out that one running around and my little pup seems so sad.)..Ok before I write you a novel, let me get~Hugz Hugz!!!!!! Jackie